Saturday, February 19, 2011
I am FAILING my Band these days!
I don't know what to say... I am not making good choices like 1/2 of the time. I am not exericising at all. And I purposively didn't get a fill since I knew I was going on a cruise this week. I am pulling the age old "I will start getting serious when I return from my cruise"... which may turn into... "I will start getting back on track when I am under less stress once I move.." and then the worst.... "I have to get my Philly foods fix out of the way and FIND a new gym and then I'll get the ball back rolling...".... I am telling you this not to hear your helpful excuses for my semi-failure or to hear your tough love suggestions... There is nothing any of you can say that I haven't said to myself... already. I have been beating myself up with one hand and shoveling chocolate into my mouth with the other... I am trying not to cry while I am writing these words. I know that I am not in a race and that my journey can take as long or as little time as my work will take me... but I know I shouldn't be going backwards and I need to feel better about my choices... at least 75% of the time. That's 25% more than I have been doing right recently. These are my promises to myself and to you...my loyal followers. I will go on this cruise and I will walk the deck each day... giving myself the expectation of exercise.... I will choose healthy options for meals and I will allow myself dessert no more than once a day. I know that sounds like a huge luxury, but I can't deprive myself to none.... since sugar and chocolate are the main monkey on my back. I will end up binging if I restrict myself completely. As of today, I haven't gained any weight back... and I want to keep it that way... This 116 pounds lost has been hard work and I don't want to disrespect myself by taking my hard work for granted with a week or month of abandon! I think I should make a confession... I thought this would be easier, I thought that because my weight was so high and I was so seditary... that a little calorie cut and walking would drop the weight pretty quickly. Well, after I got my full appetite back after surgery... I saw how hard it was, but I was thinking, well, I need to get a couple fills and then the weight will start dropping off... i was depriving myself and eating "Lean and Green" for months... which was where the most of my weight lost came from... then carbs starting sneaking back in but I kept losing weight steadily... just not as much per week, which I could live with... but now almost 11 months after my band installation and I am breaking all the rules... eating slider foods, drinking while I eat, too many carbs, too little exercise, relying mostly on protein shakes and bars to get my nutrition in.... which has left me hungry and snacking. I am hoping that I haven't stretched out my pouch.... I have only lost a little more than 40 pounds in the last 7 months, which is... Unacceptable. That would be amazing if I was 250 pounds but not with this weight still dragging me down... The worse part about this "Plateau" is that it's deliberate... on my part. You are all so inspiring with your amazing losses and workouts. You are all gorgeous and incredible women. Most of you are over 100 pounds lighter than me... which means the weight loss is so much harder for you, than for me. What will happen to me if I struggle like this when I get to your weight? I know... I will gain weight back. I need to be real... NOW. Before I start gaining back what I've fought so hard to lose.... I chose to get this band instead of having Gastric Bypass, like most people would chose at my highest weight.... because I wanted to learn new habits and a new healthy lifestyle. I can start new tomorrow... i don't have to wait until I can keep it up without screwing up... I will screw up, and jump right back on this imaginary horse, under I can get on a real one without damaging it's spine. I love you guys! Keep fighting the Battle of the Bulge!