Saturday, February 19, 2011

I am FAILING my Band these days!


I don't know what to say... I am not making good choices like 1/2 of the time. I am not exericising at all. And I purposively didn't get a fill since I knew I was going on a cruise this week. I am pulling the age old "I will start getting serious when I return from my cruise"... which may turn into... "I will start getting back on track when I am under less stress once I move.." and then the worst.... "I have to get my Philly foods fix out of the way and FIND a new gym and then I'll get the ball back rolling...".... I am telling you this not to hear your helpful excuses for my semi-failure or to hear your tough love suggestions... There is nothing any of you can say that I haven't said to myself... already. I have been beating myself up with one hand and shoveling chocolate into my mouth with the other... I am trying not to cry while I am writing these words. I know that I am not in a race and that my journey can take as long or as little time as my work will take me... but I know I shouldn't be going backwards and I need to feel better about my choices... at least 75% of the time. That's 25% more than I have been doing right recently. These are my promises to myself and to you...my loyal followers. I will go on this cruise and I will walk the deck each day... giving myself the expectation of exercise.... I will choose healthy options for meals and I will allow myself dessert no more than once a day. I know that sounds like a huge luxury, but I can't deprive myself to none.... since sugar and chocolate are the main monkey on my back. I will end up binging if I restrict myself completely. As of today, I haven't gained any weight back... and I want to keep it that way... This 116 pounds lost has been hard work and I don't want to disrespect myself by taking my hard work for granted with a week or month of abandon! I think I should make a confession... I thought this would be easier, I thought that because my weight was so high and I was so seditary... that a little calorie cut and walking would drop the weight pretty quickly. Well, after I got my full appetite back after surgery... I saw how hard it was, but I was thinking, well, I need to get a couple fills and then the weight will start dropping off... i was depriving myself and eating "Lean and Green" for months... which was where the most of my weight lost came from... then carbs starting sneaking back in but I kept losing weight steadily... just not as much per week, which I could live with... but now almost 11 months after my band installation and I am breaking all the rules... eating slider foods, drinking while I eat, too many carbs, too little exercise, relying mostly on protein shakes and bars to get my nutrition in.... which has left me hungry and snacking. I am hoping that I haven't stretched out my pouch.... I have only lost a little more than 40 pounds in the last 7 months, which is... Unacceptable. That would be amazing if I was 250 pounds but not with this weight still dragging me down... The worse part about this "Plateau" is that it's deliberate... on my part. You are all so inspiring with your amazing losses and workouts. You are all gorgeous and incredible women. Most of you are over 100 pounds lighter than me... which means the weight loss is so much harder for you, than for me. What will happen to me if I struggle like this when I get to your weight? I know... I will gain weight back. I need to be real... NOW. Before I start gaining back what I've fought so hard to lose.... I chose to get this band instead of having Gastric Bypass, like most people would chose at my highest weight.... because I wanted to learn new habits and a new healthy lifestyle. I can start new tomorrow... i don't have to wait until I can keep it up without screwing up... I will screw up, and jump right back on this imaginary horse, under I can get on a real one without damaging it's spine. I love you guys! Keep fighting the Battle of the Bulge!

22 comments:

  1. oy. it takes so much strength and understanding of the band to write what you have just shared. The band is NOT the EASY way out when it comes to weight loss. You still have to do your part. I have lost 0 pounds for about 7 months. I am so happy that I haven't gained, but I know, like you that I could be doing better. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts- exactly what i would say right now. I believe in you maria, I know you will do what you have set out for. I loves ya!

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  2. I agree with Jen; your words show a strength & understanding that will lead to your continued success. The plan you have in place for the cruise is great! I would be right there with you on the desserts. I have faith in you. :)

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  3. you CAN do this! look how far you've come??? just having the courage to be brutally honest is proof enough... use your time on this fabulous cruise to re-connect with your inner self. and i know you'll find your way!

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  4. It's hard to say anything that will help...other than hang in there! You know exactly what to do to chagne things, but now you just need to figure out how to do it. I feel your pain! You are so right, this is a marathon, not a sprint and you just need to pick yourself up and start again every day. It can be fatiguing, but just think back to those days 25 pounds, 50 pounds or 100 pounds ago--what's better about life now? Lots of stuff I am sure...just try to focus on that. Just know that we all have these thoughts and struggles...you can do it!!!

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  5. You asked for tough love, so here is my tough-ish love.

    Don't "start tomorrow", start right this minute. Right now. Even small push-offs give you permission to keep pushing-off and then it's a year of your life gone without progress.

    Here's the deal-- we are banded people, 24/7, at work or home or even on vacation. You can have a great, fun, relaxing time on your cruise even if you don't turn it into a food orgy (well, a banded person's food orgy anyway). Make a plan for food choices now-- say, promise yourself you'll use a small plate or bowl when available and that you will choose protein first and follow it up with veggies (the non-starchy carby kind). Here's the thing-- you KNOW you will get full on this band-friendly food. You know it will satisfy your hunger. And as for satisfying your mind, you're on a cruise! Trade the obsession over food for something fun and exciting that can distract you. You don't need a full dessert every day, unless you cut your calories elsewhere to allow it (and then you'll be binging from hunger, not from self-denial). But you could certainly give yourself permission to do it a few times, or to take one bite of your husband's every day.

    I applaud you for being honest with yourself and us. We've all been there, that's for sure! I can intimately empathize with what you're saying. But I still hearing you giving yourself outs and I know for me, that just leads to bigger outs down the road.

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  6. {{{hugs}}} Maria. I know that took a lot to write that all down. I also know that a cruise does not have to be an excuse to eat. Good for you to make a decision to walk the decks each day. You can also choose to use the stairs instead of the elevators...that is always a lifesaver for me when on a cruise. Do the best you can eating wise and make good choices. I agree that you need to indulge in a little dessert here and there but not at every meal.

    You have come so far Maria and I know you will make it to goal! We are always here for you honey! Have a great cruise!

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  7. What a great, honest and open post....the fact that you recognize everything and want to make it right is the first step...it is so not easy but with every choice you are one step closer...you can do it!!!

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  8. enjoy your cruise.
    I think that just realizing where you are with your band & how to work it is a huge accomplishment.
    I've been stalled out a few months, it blows!

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  9. I think you're awesome. Reading this post made me think about my own choices and want to do better. I wish you could inspire yourself the way you do me, but until you can just know that we love you out here in blogland. No matter what.

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  10. I feel like I have been completely sabotaging myself the last couple weeks as well. That ends today! Best of luck to you! (((hugs)))

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  11. Well... I know you said you didn't want tough love.. yadda yadda... but see that is the thing about tough love, you get it anyway!

    You have done SO well. Do NOT do what I did. Do NOT start making excuses and checking out. It is a LONG HARD journey... and it gets mentally exhausting.

    Take that walk on the cruise. Every day. Enjoy yourself. don't stress about the food while on the cruise, but GET THAT WALK IN.

    Then when you get back. It is back to business. And try cutting the desserts out to 3x a week or less. I had to abstain from ice cream. I could not just have a little. Know your limitations.

    ((GIANT HUGS)) Have an awesome vacation.

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  12. Man, I know that was tough to put out there - good for you for doing it. Have a great time on your cruise and I'd do as you suggested and concentrate on what you CAN do while you're there - like walking the decks or as Jacquie suggested taking the stairs whenever possible.

    Have a great time and know we're all pulling for you!

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  13. Thank you for sharing I know how hard this was for you to write...you will make it through....tough love I can give you but I think you are giving it to yourself enough....for now :-)

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  14. It isn't easy, you are so right. But good for you for being honest with yourself. You have to make the choices to do right things for yourself and it is obvious that you want to. You just have to decide to do it. Good luck. We are all hear to cheer you on!!

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  15. Hey M, I wanted to say that I misread your post and thought it said you DID want tough love-- so you can delete my post if you want in good conscience and ignore me.

    You are not alone.

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  16. Being honest with yourself is a huge first step. You know what the problem is, and now you can do something about it. Have a great time on the cruise and just make sure you drink plenty of water, be active every day, and make good choices. You'll be back on track in no time.

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  17. Stay strong, Maria! I know plateaus suck, but I have faith that you will break through. Sometimes we just need to get tough with ourselves. You can do this!!! (And the Philly foods are soooo hard to resist!)

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  18. To be honest, I thought this journey would be easy too. However, I find it to be the hardest. Chocolate is my enemy, yet also my confidant. Thanks for sharing. I DO know how you feel... :(

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  19. Hon, don't beat yourself up. I am coming up on my 6 month bandiversary and am only about 30 lbs down. Sometimes, this is the way it goes. This is not the easy solution. It doesn't help with the issues in your head. All I can say is be happy you are 40 lbs less than last year, and next year you will be another 40 lbs less at least, and hell, the diva keeps coming out! We will do this, even if it takes longer than some!

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  20. Hey again! I forgot how much you've lost actually, holy sh*t! But yes, definitely please don't get discouraged, you are kicking my ass (in a good way! :-) We need to get back to that healthy way of eating. Heck, I wish I could do that now but my unfill has been pushed to March 5 and solids so aren't my friend now! But, you don't have the same excuse....RIGHT?! So let's get to what we need to be doing! Cause heck you've been so successful, there is no reason that can't continue!

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  21. You have done so well so far, and like everyone else said -- thanks for putting this out there!

    I think most of us can totally relate to what you're feeling, and those who haven't hit this spot post-banding probably will eventually. As much as we ride the success wave, there are times when it backslides the other way -- but the difference is that this time we have the band to help us get back on top without losing ground the way we did in the past. Hang in there, enjoy your cruise, and schedule a fill (if you need it) for right when you get back to help get you into the headspace before you can make excuses. You know you can do it -- because you have been doing it, and HOW!!! :D

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  22. You said that you got the band, instead of bypass, to learn new habits...hell, just the realization that you aren't doing what you should be doing is a game changer that probably didn't exist in your life before! If you can figure out the magical tool to get the brain under control while we struggle to lose each and every pound, let me know!

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