Thursday, July 28, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
I realize that these girls have haunted us or been us most of our lives, even before computers and the Internet changed things....
- It should never be easy to show hate.... We should be fighting every hateful urge in our bodies, everyday in everyway. It is human nature to get angry and want revenge, but we don't have to stoop to a level beneath ourselves to get it. Revenge comes when you overcome adversity, when you prove people wrong, when you are happy and live your life to the fullest. We all have Bullies... even the Bullies have Bullies.
- I consider myself a good person, but I definitely have wanted to call someone a Bitch on the Internet and in real life. I have wanted to call someone ugly, when they call me Fat or say At least I can lose some weight, but you will always be ugly. When I say Ugly... I meant on the inside but I don't know where that person is coming from when they call me names. Was their mother abusive to them about their weight their whole life?
- Putting other people down is something people do to pull themselves up... So I guess the best way to make them stop is to say something nice back. Call me Fat and I'll tell you that you have a gorgeous smile. They need the compliment more than I do.... I mean, I know I'm fat, but do they know that they have pretty eyes? Do they know that I wish that I didn't struggle with my weight? Do they know that I own a mirror? Everyone always looks prettier when they smile... so Smile in the face of adversity.
- Bullying only makes small minds feel bigger... but it doesn't last and they have to escalate to keep the feeling of superiority. To feel good about yourself surround yourself with people who love... not people who hate, notice the good in people(No matter how small the good may be), but most of all notice the good in yourself(and work toward making the changes you need to feel better)...
- Mothers... and Fathers... Raise your children to love all. We are all beautiful, no matter what our color, race, size, or type... If you raise a Bully, you probably are a Bully. Teach your children equality, and to treat others as you would want to be treated yourself. Let your kids know that they can change the world one day at a time... They can stomp out indifference. If they see someone getting bullied online, stick up for them... or tell someone. Indifference is worse than the hate... It keeps the hate alive.
I'm sorry for getting all After School Special on you but, I am lucky that I have such an amazing support network and some people don't. Here is a safe place, where we can feel good about our progress, revel in our successes, and dwell in our slip ups. No one is called Fat here... We are all safe to be ourselves and to love ourselves.
Monday, July 18, 2011
- If I can't find the exact item in myfitnesspal that I ate... I always want to chose the lowest in calories, fat, carbs... and the highest in protein. Does this mean I am eating the healthiest one? No, It means that perception is 9/10 of reality. If I believe that I am staying within my calories... than It must be true. (What's really funny is that I never counted calories before I was banded. All the diets I've ever tried have been cutting carbs and they've all worked but I thought since this portion control this is so important for us... try counting calories.)
- I love Cake... all sweets actually. I would eat cake for every meal, no protein, no veggies, well... maybe I'll eat carrot cake once in a while. Luckily, Cake is not as easy to come by these days... There are moosey things, pie, cookies, pastries, etc but most of the cakes in restaurants is ice cream really. And since I don't bring sweets in the house... I hardly ever get to eat it, unfortunately or fortunately... depending on how you look at it.
- Back to calorie counting for another moment... My surgeon would never really give a direct answer to certain questions. Like how much protein grams should I eat?, how many calories should I be eating a day?, how much weight should I be losing a week?, How much exercise should I be doing?... He would give answers like as many as you can, as few as you can, it fluxuates, Exercise will cause you to be more hungry... just try to be more active. It was frustrating because I was so used to dieting that I wanted a rule book.... not a lifestyle. Eventually, I got the response that I should be eating about 800 calories a day and I stopped asking questions. (I thought 800 calories was a ridiculous goal but if I strip away the empty calories, extra carbs, unlean, sweets, and just ate small meals~Lean and Green... 800 calories would work fine, but I still eat about 1200 a day)
- The Loose skin sucks... Weight loss is not all glamourous, My hanging pouchy stomach thingy pushes down on my bladder and makes me have to pee more often, and the 100+ ounces of water a day doesn't help matters, under the folds of loose skin rashes and sweat hide. My clothes have to be bigger to fit all this silly puddy... otherwise everything turns into Spanx and comfort goes out the window. I am going to have lots of plastic surgery ahead... If and when I get near goal. But until then I go around waving everything in the breeze, flopping aroung like I don't have a care in the world.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
- I still feel like I'm on that hateful plateau, even though the scale seemed to be heading down, It keeps bouncing back up... Maybe it's muscle from working out so much, maybe I am retaining water, maybe I am a sleep eater, but I need to feel like I am working towards something and I have fought hard to get the scale going down... and I am not liking the hanging around and a few times it looked like I am gaining.
- Why don't I do what I say I'm going to do? I've been saying that I am going to get a tape measure to take my measurements so I can really see if I am losing inches even if I am not losing pounds but i still haven't done it.... I never did it, even before my surgery. I don't know why because it seems to be sabotaging my success. I WILL take my measurement this week.
- My scale is definitely acting up and so is the gym's scale... I want to believe the lows and I want to not believe the highs but since I can't get the same number twice and I am all over the grid... I need to get a new scale. I should stop weighing myself like Amy W. did since I could use a little less obsessing about numbers and a little more obsessing about exercising and keeping active.
- I have admitted finally to myself that I should have gotten the Gastric Bypass... I just have too much to lose for the band. I wanted to teach myself new eating habits and to be able to make good choices most of the time but even though I do... the weight's not coming off and I get very frustrated. I thought that the band would make me work hard to get the weight off but would really be helpful in keeping it off but I struggle alot more than I thought I would and I feel like I am on a diet most of the time which makes me lose hope. I feel deprived often and resent myself for letting my weight get this out of control.
- I forgot the other thing I had to say here.... but I am reading Tina Fey's book Bossypants. Most of you know that Tina and I went to high school together. As I am reading it, I am doing alot of reminising and remembering old times. I did really enjoy High School unlike alot of other people did... It's weird to think that there were memories before George.... lets call it BG. Well, BG... I was beautiful, with porcelin skin, fiery redhair and black diamond eyes that sparkled when I smiled/laughed. I didn't know any of this at the time. I wish George had been there to see me in my glory days but he was sorta geeky and I probably wouldn't have given him the time of day. It's funny how time changed us for the better. I had mad curves but was not fat... even though I thought I was... Well, maybe I was a little chubby. I dream of being chubby now. I wouldn't want to go back to live through a time BG, since I now know how incredible he is... but it's fun to think about those days.
- Because of being lost in Tina's book at the gym... I rode the bike for over an hour. So, Thanx Tina... for making my Bossypants a little baggier.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
- Binge.... There was a father had a girl and Bingy was her name, OH... B-I-N-G-E, B-I-N-G-E, B-I-N-G-E and Bingy was her name-O! I binge still... on healthier food but still too much. Sometimes, on Gym days I am so hungry that I could eat 3000 calories if I let myself. I still keep chocolate out of the house, and ice cream... since those melt and the band is worthless to fight against them. I know my limitations but I ignore them and think I can handle moderation now... but I can't.
- Workout... I want to workout longer or 2 times a day but my body is weak and crippled still from carrying around all this extra weight. My knees are causing me alot of pain, and my hip has been acting up... I feel like I am 80 years old in body and 20 years old in mind. I still fight the urge to be a couch potato or sleep til noon... but I feel like I'm forcing myself to be more active... like I don't want to but it's an obligation. I want to WANT to be mobile always!
- Eating when I'm not hungry... or waiting to eat til I'm too hungry. I want to eat just to be eating sometimes, like I miss my life as it was... I realize now that I gave up on myself for several years before I got my band. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, and as much as I wanted... and never exercised. I had a good life, a really good life. My husband did all the housework, and cooking... and supported us financially as well. He was and is my hero. I want to do more... I want to be his hero sometimes too.
- My Health... It is much better for sure, 130 pounds lighter but I still have a way to go. It was fear that brought me to the band. My sister died at 33, she was Obese, Diabetic, had High Blood Pressure, High Cholesterol, and Sleep Apnea. In 2004, I fell and destroyed both knees... In 2005, I lost my job at Disney for attendance, sometime it was hard to get out of bed, I was in pain all the time.... My weight became a real downer. After I was diagnosed with Diabetes, High Cholesterol, High Blood Pressure, Sleep Apnea... I saw myself going the way of my sister... leaving behind a gorgeous semi-young perfectly molded husband for some stupid girl to destroy... Do I sound Bitter? Well, I sorta am... But I am no longer a diabetic, my blood pressure and cholesterol are normal and my sleep apnea is milder... I feel better physically. But Mentally, I need work... big time.
- The facts don't change.... Losing weight is hard work always, banded or not. It is much easier to eat 3500 extra calories and gain a pound than to burn 3500 extra calories to lose a pound... and much quicker. A Body at Rest stays at rest, A Body in motion stays in motion(Thanx Arthritis commercial). If it tastes great, you'll gain weight(Almost always a fact, and when it's not... It just makes you want to eat more crap). Trying to replace a craving with a "healthy" close enough, never works... just eat the thing you crave or you'll eat your way to it. Your support is the best thing to cure the WTFs(That's the legal term). BTW, I still have a great life... even greater now that my weight is less great.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
- It's been too long since I blogged on and on about everything....
- I was so excited to be back home for the 4th of July, Here in Philly it is a big huge deal with week long festivities and I enjoyed the fireworks over the Philadelphia Museum of Art tonight with my George... We hadn't been in years, which means we convienently forgot about the huge crowds(100's of thousands), and many detours and road blocks... but we had a great view of the main stage where the ROOTS, Boyz ii Men, Sara Barielles, Earth Wind and Fire, DJ Jazzy Jeff, Michael McDonald, & Estelle... I don't feel uncomfortably patriotic here, like I did in Orlando. We bleed Red, White, and Blue!
- Anyway, Yesterday was my Uncle's big BBQ/Pool Party Bash... I was jealous of the great photos on facebook every year but never able to attend since the 1000 miles was too much of a commute and Disney is very busy for all holidays(In case you forgot George and I both worked there at one point or another while we lived in Florida)... It was a great time at my Uncle's, Great food(too much), great family bonding, great friends... I was reminded of how glad I am to be home with my Kin while munching on Crabcakes delivered poolside... Yum!
- Today, we walked to the end of the driveway of our house and sat in lawn chairs watching the local parade go by... Picture old times with kids on the bikes decorated with streamers, garland, and balloons drowning in red white and blue and flags in every hand... The fire depts, antique cars, dancers, bands, drum corps, all went by as we sat in our driveway... I felt nostalgic and cherished every moment with our dog by my feet all dressed in his most patriotic outfit(Yes, my Dog likes to dress up... Don't judge!)
- I went to the gym 4 times last week but since I made a deal with Jen to go 5 days a week... that's what this week holds. Today I walked alot but the gym was closed for the holiday so a No Go there but I will go tomorrow, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday... and then start again.
- I read one of Amy W.'s posts today about the dangers of comparing our bodies.... and It got me thinking of myself.... I spent too long staring at this young girl at tonight's festival Downtown... She was gorgeous and I was jealous of her awesome body. I know that I will never have a perfect body and I got this band to better my health or even save my life so I shouldn't care but I do realize that the tight bods I most envy are much much younger than mine... I think I feel resentful for missing alot of my youth by being on a diet and not liking my body. I always thought I was fat... even before I actually was. I want to relive those days and know what I know now... Now that would be interesting! but I remember that I was 22 when I met my George and even though I had alot of fun before him, my Forever started the day we met. If I had been different, happier with myself, realized how gorgeous I was... maybe I wouldn't have given him the time of day and ended up with a huge Jerk(My gorgeous Husband for those of you who haven't met him is a bit of a geek, even though he's drop dead gorgeous, and he thinks I am the only one who thinks he's good looking, I am blessed) ... So, I have no regrets!