Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Too fat to fit in...here?
These are my before and after photos.... or should I say after and before... I am not very computer saavy...The one is with Susan Kay, (Our Bariatric Cooridinator, who is our support person who runs alot of the support groups and the clothes closet) which was taken right before my surgery and the other one is on my 3 month bandiversary.... i see a huge difference. I see where all the 60 pounds fell off of... I am thrilled with my progress. Sometimes, I feel like the most I have to offer you all is to let you see how bad it could have been for you if you really let yourself go... I mean, you all have great NSVs and most of you are at my goal weight now... even though you are still on your journey. Does that sound obnoxious? I am jealous of you for your skinnyness... and I am so looking forward to eventually being in your shoes... or should I say pants. I want to get into your pants.... LOL. Well, actually I want to get into my niece's pants, I guess I should explain better for anyone who doesn't live in Kentucky. ooooooh! I am bitchy today. Sorry, Kentuckyans. My niece, Niki, is 20 and was wearing 24 and 26 pants... she lost alot of weight on her own and now wears 18s... well, that leaves her old pants for me to work my way into... So I can look forward to Carmen's clothes that she shrunk out of and my niece's jeans that she shrunk out of... hence, wanting to get in my niece's pants. So anyway, here I go with my quest of inspiring you through my near death experience. I have been overweight for over 1/2 my life. I was a "healthy" fat girl for most of that time... I mean, I was chubby, chunky and overly curvy... but no health conditions. But I fell 6 years ago at work and injured both my knees... You don't realize how active you are until you are completely inactive. That being said I was diagnosed with diabetes, sleep apnea, high blood pressure, high cholestrial, arthritis, acid reflex, and ended up in a wheelchair most of the time... I stopped being invited places since I wasn't able to get around very well, and bringing your hubby along on a girls' night can put a damper on things... My inactivity didn't only gain me weight, it sorta lost me friends. I was always the life of the party, funny, flirty, charmer... but then I wasn't there anymore... I lost myself. So, I knew i had to do something... but I had become disabled and lost my job, and my health insurance. So, there I was, no job, no insurance, no friends, and 1000 miles away from most of my family. I finally got social security disablity and that gave me better health benefits than I had with my husband's work. So then I made the final decision to have gastric bypass surgery... It was all I knew, my uncle had it, my aunt had it, 2 friends had it... no one I knew had a lapband so I went to a seminar near me for gastric bypass. They weighed me and it was the first time I was weighed in over 5 years... you see, most doctor's scales go up to 350 pounds so I knew I was higher than that.... but, 475 pounds, How? That's like 500 pounds. OMG, i cried and cried and cried... I knew my work was cut out for me, but that's alot more work than I expected. No wonder, Even Fat girls looked down on me... I was huge, even to them. How did I let myself get this bad? I know I deal with depression and severe pain... but that's ridiculous. When i went to my surgeon's office for consultation, he suggested the lapband instead. So, I researched and liked the flexibility of it and the adjustibility of the band. So 3 1/2 months later, here I am, 415 pounds... 60 pounds gone. I am being honest with you because I got an email from someone I admired earlier who put me back in my place as the huge girl, again. I know she meant well, but I am hard enough on myself. The judgement is something I've had all my life.... i came here for support not to be scutinized. Yes, I struggle still, I am a food addict, and my compulsion will take alot of reteaching and reprogramming. No doubt! I do not like working out because of the severe pain that I already have without working out but I do it, once in a while, just not often enough... I eat the wrong things sometimes but I eat the right things most of the time. I want to succeed, and I already have succeeded... my success is that I am no longer on any of my meds for diabetes, high blood pressure, acid reflex, or high cholestrial... I don't have excruciating back pain and my knee pain is much less too. I can sit in booths at restaurants without holding my breath and belly in. I eat better and have more energy. Anyway, I want to be able to be honest in this blog without the fear of being judged for everything I say and do... I want to be me here, not some fictional version of me. I thought of this as a safe place but I am afraid that I am too fat to fit in... even here.