Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Well, here it is... The post I have been dreading to write, but Tessie Rose has inspired me today with her heartfelt post. It can be overwhelming at times... I went into this journey truly believing that I was doing this for my health... not my body image. Well, my health is a 100% better... but my self-image is 100% worse... How, you may ask, after losing 104.3 pounds could my body image be worse? I don't think my defense mechanisms allowed me to see how big I was... I mean, i knew I was loved and I knew i was overweight... even morbidly obese, but 475 pounds... never was imagined, until the cruel scale broke down my defenses... and opened my eyes to the cold hard truth. Luckily, when I was weighed I was in a bariatric seminar... obviously on my way here but I started seeing photos differently, and my behaviors differently. I always hid halfway behind my husband or others in photos to delude myself... i had alot of close ups on my face but not many full-length shots... if they were taken that way I would crop them... I unconsciously knew that i was unhappy with my body... but I distracted myself with everything else... not making the time to be there for "ME"... Well, now I make alot of time for myself. To choose good food options... and when I choose not so good options... I take my time and savor every bite of the Yum. I make time to blog and release all these thoughts from my overactive mind. I take time to be the friend I want to have... I take the time to compliment... if I think it, I say it! It tends to freak folks out from time to time but i feel like people need to hear nice things about themselves and no one takes the time to say nice things, unless they want something. On the same point... I try to take compliments I'm given with the grace and appreciation that they deserve. I know that people are more likely to take the time to say nasty things... so I am fearful still since my self image is healing slowly. When people ask how much weight I've lost... I am nervous to say that I've lost 100 pounds because I believe that they're thinking... "You've lost 100 pounds and you're still that fat?"... Now that my defenses are not as strong... it's like alot of the weight I've lost has come from my protective shell. I am also angry... When i see people being mistreated because of their weight. I joke about my weight all the time, but It bothers me when I see other people do that... about their weight. I am a Forever Fatty... and I am proud of myself for how far I've come... It is a long road ahead... but I need to realize how hard I've worked by taking each necessary step. I may never be a supermodel... but I have always been one to my George and that's enough... Today, I say goodbye to 104.3 pounds and good riddance! It's my journey but I want to make my husband proud, my mother proud, and my brother proud... Is that silly?