Well, here it is... The post I have been dreading to write, but Tessie Rose has inspired me today with her heartfelt post. It can be overwhelming at times... I went into this journey truly believing that I was doing this for my health... not my body image. Well, my health is a 100% better... but my self-image is 100% worse... How, you may ask, after losing 104.3 pounds could my body image be worse? I don't think my defense mechanisms allowed me to see how big I was... I mean, i knew I was loved and I knew i was overweight... even morbidly obese, but 475 pounds... never was imagined, until the cruel scale broke down my defenses... and opened my eyes to the cold hard truth. Luckily, when I was weighed I was in a bariatric seminar... obviously on my way here but I started seeing photos differently, and my behaviors differently. I always hid halfway behind my husband or others in photos to delude myself... i had alot of close ups on my face but not many full-length shots... if they were taken that way I would crop them... I unconsciously knew that i was unhappy with my body... but I distracted myself with everything else... not making the time to be there for "ME"... Well, now I make alot of time for myself. To choose good food options... and when I choose not so good options... I take my time and savor every bite of the Yum. I make time to blog and release all these thoughts from my overactive mind. I take time to be the friend I want to have... I take the time to compliment... if I think it, I say it! It tends to freak folks out from time to time but i feel like people need to hear nice things about themselves and no one takes the time to say nice things, unless they want something. On the same point... I try to take compliments I'm given with the grace and appreciation that they deserve. I know that people are more likely to take the time to say nasty things... so I am fearful still since my self image is healing slowly. When people ask how much weight I've lost... I am nervous to say that I've lost 100 pounds because I believe that they're thinking... "You've lost 100 pounds and you're still that fat?"... Now that my defenses are not as strong... it's like alot of the weight I've lost has come from my protective shell. I am also angry... When i see people being mistreated because of their weight. I joke about my weight all the time, but It bothers me when I see other people do that... about their weight. I am a Forever Fatty... and I am proud of myself for how far I've come... It is a long road ahead... but I need to realize how hard I've worked by taking each necessary step. I may never be a supermodel... but I have always been one to my George and that's enough... Today, I say goodbye to 104.3 pounds and good riddance! It's my journey but I want to make my husband proud, my mother proud, and my brother proud... Is that silly?
Nothing about it is silly. You are so brave and such an inspiration to me, thank you for sharing and always being so willing to open yourself up! And, thanks for the shout out, this is tough stuff, be we have such a wonderful support system.
ReplyDeleteThis is a beautiful post Maria - a lot of what you have written could have been written by me. So true and honest. I too, never really wanted to see how much damage I was doing to myself. It is a constant battle everyday to make the right choices but I need to make these better choices for me and my family. Believe me I'm not perfect and I don't always make the correct choice but the fact that I am trying is all that matters.
ReplyDeleteYou are doing an amazing job and you are an inspiration to us all :)
Not silly at all. But don't forget to make yourself proud too!
ReplyDeleteNo not silly at all - and you should be proud of yourself - you have done so well and I am sure all your loved ones are proud off you too :)
ReplyDeleteNot silly at all! Keep up the great work Maria.
ReplyDeleteI want to add that you will also make yourself proud. Such a heartfelt post. This entire journey is more than losing the pounds. It's about finding the real us inside. You will find more and more as you keep on blogging and letting it out. So happy for you.
ReplyDeleteNot a single thing silly about it! This is a great post, thanks so much for sharing it with us all. (I am a firm believer in always saying nice things and always passing on compliments - I think it's absolutely the right thing to do!! Good for you for doing it!)
ReplyDeleteNot at all silly. You should be amazingly proud of what you've accomplished. I think we all look back(no matter how big we were) and question how we let ourselves get that big. The thing is you made a decision to make changes and that is the hardest thing to do.
ReplyDeleteOf course that's not silly. And please girl- include yourself in that list. You should make yourself proud too- you're accomplishing big things! I love reading posts like this- they are so honest and really remind me why I'm here- slaving everyday- denying myself of things sometimes. We always talk about not denying ourselves, but I like to remember that a little self control and denial was never bad for me either. ;)
ReplyDeleteGood luck girl! I will keep following and keep cheering for you from where I am!
Not silly, not silly at all. You are an amazing woman who has achieved an exceptional goal.. I admire you.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work and know that I am rooting for YOU!
You are doing so great in your journey. You are an inspiration to a lot of us, which is one of many things you should be proud of.
ReplyDeleteNot at all silly!! You are doing so amazingly, and, as a fellow bandster, I am proud of you! Try not to put yourself down, and be proud of that 100+ pounds you have lost! That is nothing to be embarrassed about at all. :)
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard sometimes for our brains to keep up with the changes to our bodies, but you'll catch up in due course. It's great that you are thinking about these things and blogging about them. :)
Awww, honey, not silly at all. Thank you for sharing. XOXO
ReplyDeleteGreat post..so honest and things I totally relate to...You really have and are doing amazing..
ReplyDeleteListen my sweet Maria...from one supermodel to another, you are gorgeous and fabulous! You have come so far and like you said, take the time to realize what that 104 pounds gone means to you! For all of us its a long journey whether we have to lose 30 pounds or 300 but we are all in this together! Love you girlfriend!
ReplyDeleteWhat you wrote is so true. I feel the same way I mean I lost 65 pounds but then I am still considered overweight and when I feel great about being in the 180's I see their faces like "your happy about being that fat?" It makes you not want to share your success because they just shoot you down.
ReplyDeleteI look at others blogs and get discouraged because I should have lost more like them. I read them and they say they only have 4 or 6 cc's in their band and I am almost at 11. Why do I have so much more in my band yet have worse results.
Oh geez I think I just depressed myself.
Anyway know you are not alone.
DD-
www.bandedup.blogspot.com
I also think you do look beautiful too. Your face in recent pics radiates health and beauty...You have accomplished so much. My best friend has recovered from anorexia and I always ask her how a twig like her can be so empathetic and spot on when talking me through my weight issues and she reminds me that its not about weight at all...we are trying to improve our health but we are also trying to heal our minds from the horrible things that weight can do to our minds. You are so honest and sweet. I see you growing all the time in your walk with the band and I feel encouraged from that.
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